Why you should ignore the BDSM “experts”, as told by a BDSM “expert”

BDSM experts, they’re something which I hear of time and time again and their very existence makes me cringe, so what is a BDSM “expert”, and why do I suggest that you ignore them?

When we hear the term “expert”, we immediately imagine someone with degrees or a whole field of knowledge and experience in an area. We believe that this is someone that we should look up to, acknowledge and respect beyond all reasonable doubt. They are, afterall, an “expert” in their field.

But what if I told you, after nearly 13 years of experience, that I am still nowhere near close to becoming an “expert” in BDSM?

You see, being a BDSM expert would imply that I have a broad range of knowledge or experience in domination, submission, rope bondage, spanking, flogging, wax play, CBT and a host of many other things.

What do I really have experience and knowledge in? Safe sex, sensation play and wax play. That’s it.

If you want advice on contracts, I’d tell you to focus on your relationship an and come up with some rules and agreements that work around you and your partner. If you want my advice on rope bondage and knots, I could advise you on some of my preferred books by people who are knowledgeable in these fields. But even after these 12+ years, I am not a BDSM expert. Even though I am passionate about BDSM, I simply don’t know everything.

It really concerns me when I see young men and women, some of them younger than me, proclaiming themselves to be “BDSM experts”. What gives them this “expert” knowledge that others simply don’t have? What gives them the right to proclaim intellect over anybody else in this field?

I feel that I need to point out to you two key areas to consider here:

There are no diplomas and there is no Master (of BDSM, not your dungeon!) nor Sensei.

So what, then,does it come down to? Are these “experts” being taught by “experts”? A sort of auroboros of hand-me-down experience and sometimes shitty opinions of BDSM?

Are these “experts” also the people who appear regularly in GUM clinics because they have hew partners frequently? (I’m not in any way condoning those who get tested regularly, of course!)

Are these “experts” people who have somehow done everything once in the same few short years and decided that they are now experts becusse they have tried absolutely everything? (NB. I guarantee they haven’t).

What these so-called “experts” teach is simply their experience.

If you want me to tell you about my experiences with scratching or biting or tickling, then I will gladly share them with you and hope that they will inspire you. What I will not do, however, is tell you what to do, other than basic safety precautions.

When I started out in the BDSM community, I was fortunate enough to speak with a man who gave me one piece of resounding (and damning) advice;

“Don’t listen to the experts, there aren’t any. They can’t have done everything.”

What concerns me the most is some of the perceptions that some of these “experts” give to the newcomers. For example:


1. If you aren’t complacent and obedient, then you aren’t really a submisive.
2. If you aren’t strict, you’re not being Dominant.
3. No Dominant wants a brat. Brats are bad and undesirable submissives.
4. If you don’t have a contract then it’s not a BDSM relationship.
5. If you’re an owned submissive, then your orgasms belong to your Dominant. If you don’t agree then you aren’t being a good submissive.
6. If you are a submissive, you should treat all Dominants with respect and superiority, even those who don’t own you.

That’s not to say that all “experts” hold these opinions, but they are definitely some of the most common ones that I have come across.

So what does a BDSM “expert” advise you to do?

In my humble opinion, my best and only advice is to talk and READ. If you are interested in something, Google it, read up on it, find people who have done it and talk to them about their experiences in it. Gather knowledge and work through it. Don’t rely on the knowledge and experience of one “expert”, depend on the shared knowledge and experiences of many, and if something doesn’t sound right to you, don’t be afraid to ask someone else.

Kinky Cuddles,

Elena xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: