If you’d asked me a year or two ago how I perceived relationships, I would have told you that I was polyamorous, but given my recent history, I’m not so sure.
I was first introduced to the polyamory lifestyle but my lover at the time, Tom. Tom and I had, even if nothing else, a wonderful friendship. We had a lot of banter, a lot of humour, a nice dash of power struggles and lots and lots of mutual support. Being loved by my husband was wonderful, but being loved by two great men was even better. When one worked, the other took care of me. I was constantly under control, and loving it.
Over the months, things began to change. I’d hear from Tom only a few times per day, then a few times per week, and over time there would be weeks at at a time between our conversations. I went from being the new and exciting girl, the new capture, to becoming the old one, put on the shelf when Tom found someone else.
After a while, I cut contact with Tom. It wasn’t that I wanted nothing to do with him, but I wasn’t prepared to put up with someone who was hear today and gone tomorrow, quite frequently with no forewarning. As someone with anxiety and depression, I would drive myself deeper and deeper into a pit of despair, analysing and wondering if it was something I’d done to upset him.
A few months ago, I heard from Tom again. We chatted for a few weeks and he showed me a photo of what he looks like now. To be totally honest, I thought he looked homeless. He looked much older than his 27 year old self and I knew then that I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. We conversed a few times, but things weren’t what they were.
I blocked Tom again a few days after my father had passed away. He’d read the message and hadn’t replied. If he couldn’t so much as send a brief condolences message, then I didn’t want him around anymore.
Around that same time, I have had another man in my life, my dear friend James. I had no idea that James was also polyamorous, I just knew that he was a little bit sweet on me. James is another Dominant with more sadistic inclinations than my husband. We’ve talked about playing together several times and, although we both know our partners wouldn’t agree it anyway, we’ve also realised that there are some major hurdles in our intereests, like his desire for respect and my tendency to brat. I need a Dominant with a good sense of humour, otherwise I start getting down on myself.
A few weeks ago, I saw some comments that James had left on some Fetlife photos and I was quite hurt. I’ll admit, I was jealous and insecure, but there was something even more. Far from just feeling insecure about myself, I felt cheap, like a common piece to be collected. Right when I thought I was comfortable with polyamory, I realised that something inside me that strongly repelled it. Maybe it is a touch of a princess mentality, i don’t know. I don’t mind my man talking to other women, and I don’t mind him looking at other women, but romantically, he can only have eyes for me, and I him in return. That’s just the way it is supposed to be for me.
I’ve since realised that polyamory isn’t for me. It is unfair on my lovers for me to be acting jealous and insecure, and it is unfair on my husband for me not to give him the stability of a continuous, stable relationship, full of my undivided time and attention. I’m still very good friends with James and I value him completely as a person, but I’m afraid that friends is all we will ever come to. As for polyamory, I think absolutely it can work, but some people are just that much better suited to a monogamous lifestyle.